Bend Me, Shape Me

Many years ago I went to a seminar, titled ... I don't remember what. Some sort of self-help thing. The speaker's primary message was that to find true fulfillment we should get back in touch with the things that worked for us as children. Recall those things that earned you praise and if you aren't still doing those things, you should resurrect them. Put them back in your life because they represent the genuine you.

Dutifully I closed my eyes and thought back to when I was 10, 11, 12. I think 12 is about the last time I was praised for anything. Allright, let's see.....

• Good with children. I was praised for that. Perhaps so everyone would have a ready and willing babysitter?
• Cooking. I received a lot of praise for cooking. In fact, my mother hated cooking and the sooner I took that over she could move on to things more personally rewarding for her.
• Playing the piano. I received many compliments about that. Has sort of a Jane Austen ring to it, doesn't it? The womanly arts and all.

At the time of this seminar, I was still young enough and dumb enough, and desparate enough, to think maybe this was IT. Could it really be so simple? Without further ado I contemplated a career change to child care, started throwing more dinner parties, and tried to figure out how I could acquire a piano on my budget.

But something kept nagging at me. Mainly, that these weren't necessarily things I enjoyed. Sure, I liked the praise. And I kept doing these things in order to keep the kudos coming. But, without the reinforcement, I wouldn't, and didn't, do any of these things for the sheer joy of it.

Now, from my great advantage of experience, I would like to tell that speaker that she was waaay off base. Only doing things that elicit praise keeps you dependent on external validation...like you can't make up your own mind. And runs dangerously close to molding you into the shape that satisfies the praiser. (Gee, I think I have the ingredients for a Lifetime movie here.)

While feedback is nice, and useful, just as with other information you acquire you need to consider the source. From the first time our parents cooed "Gooood girrrrl!" we have been putting our crayons back in the box. We are shaped, by praise, to make everyone else happy. I challenge you to find something in your daily routine that is not praise-driven. Oh, vacuuming you say? C'mon. What is there about vacuuming that gives you joy? Yes, Mrs. Stepford, I appreciate that being able to provide a pleasant home for your family is satisfying. But I also know that people around here have many more dimensions than that.

If it doesn't put you any closer to your goals, or help you figure out what your goals are how valuable can it be? Maybe we should focus on the things we do in spite of whether or not we're praised. y'think?